Not 'our' plan

I should probably apologize for my recent absence in regular blogging. It isn't for lack of content or anything. I do have a very verbal, active toddler who is quite hilarious and mischievous running through our home. Our summer days have been filled with play dates and activities, trying to keep cool during these  hot and unusually humid Colorado days.

No, things to write about have not been the reason I've been "away." The truth is more along the lines of being honest and transparent with all that I've been feeling and struggling with lately. You see, I couldn't bring myself to telling about our day, the fun we are having and the cute, adorable things my Little lady is saying and leave out the other half of my day. The half spent wrestling with life and all that we are experiencing.

I've found myself saying {much more often then I'd like to admit to} "This wasn't 'our' plan, but it is what it is" in regards to this 3rd pregnancy. And I can't help but want to retract my words as soon as they come out of my mouth. Each time it feels like I am betraying this life -given to me as a gift- growing inside me. And betraying the Giver of life. I can't help but feel like I've shamed the One who has chosen me, He chose me to be a mama, and this little one's mama at that. Who am I to say this is less than perfect or even just ok?

But I'm struggling none the less. And I'm thankful for God's mercy and grace, new every morning and poured out on my life in abundance!

Please, please, don't misunderstand me. I am so excited and in love with the idea of another sweet new born and for this new personality, fearfully and wonderfully made, to join our family! I'm not at all in doubt that we weren't 'planning' on another addition! I love our babies and I know I will do love this little baby too!

It's just that everything about the pregnancy is weighing me down. I won't bore or bog you down with the seemingly endless list of things I have selfishly complained about, out loud and in my head, these last several weeks. The bottom line is that every. single. one of the things on the list are selfish. They all deal with my comfort, my desires, my plans, etc. And it disgusts me.

Maybe this doesn't make any sense to other people. You might know of some of the things I've complained about and thought, "Well, that is a legitimate complaint." Or maybe you have recognized my self pleasing tendencies. Either way, I know that God has created me with a specific purpose, a plan for my life. He wants to do a work in my life to shine His light to all those around me and draw people to Himself, through His love. His perfect love.

I know that my thoughts, actions and spoken words have been anything but fulfilling His purpose and plan for me and this life He has given to me. But from this moment forward, I am choosing to willfully accept His plan, even if it isn't the plan we would have made for ourselves or chosen if we had the chance.

But His plan is perfect. And that is the plan that I know is ours.