I'm at a loss.
A loss for ideas.
A loss for words.
A loss for sleep.
Recently I blogged about how much bed and nap time has improved for Little L and how much of a relief that has been for us. But as of late she is using her nap time and bed time to test her boundaries of control.
At least that's what I have concluded of her screaming fits each time she is placed in her crib for nap or bed time. Wow, this parenting job is tough. It's no surprise, we were warned and we believed all those who told us. But it doesn't make the actually process any less difficult.
I am about 99% sure that her hysterical sobbing and screaming for up to 20 min each time she is put to bed has to do with the fact that she is testing how much control she can have with us. She's tired. There is no doubt about that. But yet she screams to stay up, to not go to bed. She tests us in other ways too but they seem to be easier to handle. Listening to my baby girl scream and sob is not something that is naturally easy for me to deal with. My heart tells me to go in and swoop her up in my arms until she settles down, even falls asleep, and then put her back down for her rest.
But my brain and my desire to raise and obedient and disciplined girl urges me other wise. To let her work it out and stick to my guns so that she knows that the rules are rules. That they are to be followed, no exception.
Of course my heart battles back with the fear that I'm ignoring a real issue of pain or discomfort. "Maybe she's teething." Or "Maybe she's scared." And that is agonizing to have the battle in my head with do I go back in and see if she's in pain or scared or do I stick to my guns? How do I know what the right answer is? Can't someone just tell me what I should do?
There has been a lot of pleading with God to confirm in my spirit what the right thing is. That's the main reason why I feel like I need to stick to my guns and not keep going back into her room. Because I believe that God is confirming to me that this is a discipline issue, and a defining one at that.
Just as I am requiring my daughter to be obedient to us, I too must be obedient to my Father. He knows best and has a reason for what He requires of us. Even when it's hard. And if I turn to Him when I need assurance and when I need confirmation, I know that He will give me a peace when I need to know I'm doing the right thing.
In the midst of the storm it's difficult. It's so difficult. I love the times that I get to laugh and play with my baby girl. And dread these times of painful growth. But it is growth nonetheless. And I pray that I will be faithful in those times. That I will look to God for strength and that He will sustain us even when we are weak and want to do what would feel good in the moment.
Any thoughts or prayers are certainly welcome in this trying time. :)