a little bit of independence

The first time my baby falls a sleep in their bed with out me rocking them, it's always difficult for me.

I don't know what it is but there is something about rocking my sleepy baby and having them give in to the weight of their eyelids, hearing that heavy sigh of total relaxation as their bodies and minds drift off to dream land. I know it's not for everyone, to allow a 15 month old to need me rocking him or her to sleep before putting them in their bed. That's ok.

Ever since I held my daughter in my arms for the first time I knew that I would hold her, rock her to sleep for as long as she allowed me to. They only stay little for a short time. I never wanted to look back and think I should have rocked her to sleep longer. Or regret rushing her into a little bit of independence.

And when my son came along, I decided that any way that I could I would do the same with him. I would rock him to sleep until he didn't want to be rocked to sleep any more. It's been much more challenging having a toddler running around the house who needs my supervision pretty much all the time still. But we have managed and I've been able to rock him to sleep for bed and for naps.

Today was different. I didn't see it coming, I didn't with his big sister either. Lately my little 15 month old son will fight going to sleep, even though he is too tired to keep his eyes open. He fights with them shut. If he resists me by arching his back then I simply lay him in his crib and tell him 'night-night' and leave the room. Usually I return when the sound of his tears turns to a sound of surrender and I pick him up and rock him to sleep.

Today he resisted and I laid him down, but he never cried. He talked and moved around and stayed content. So I left him in there. I knew I would go back in if he began to cry enough that I knew he was ready. It wasn't long though, before I couldn't hear him moving around on the monitor. I listened closer... nothing.

Being the panicky worrier that I am my first thought is he's dead! and I swiftly but quietly crack open his door to check. He's asleep. He's asleep!.... He's asleep... no crying, no fussing... no rocking.

And don't get me wrong, it's bittersweet. With the birth of our third baby around the corner I've been {secretly} praying that he would get to this point. And just the way his sister did, in the eleventh hour of our third child's birth, he gains a little bit of his independence. And I'm proud of him.

At a loss.

I'm at a loss.
A loss for ideas.
A loss for words.
A loss for sleep.

Recently I blogged about how much bed and nap time has improved for Little L and how much of a relief that has been for us. But as of late she is using her nap time and bed time to test her boundaries of control.

At least that's what I have concluded of her screaming fits each time she is placed in her crib for nap or bed time. Wow, this parenting job is tough. It's no surprise, we were warned and we believed all those who told us. But it doesn't make the actually process any less difficult.

I am about 99% sure that her hysterical sobbing and screaming for up to 20 min each time she is put to bed has to do with the fact that she is testing how much control she can have with us. She's tired. There is no doubt about that. But yet she screams to stay up, to not go to bed. She tests us in other ways too but they seem to be easier to handle. Listening to my baby girl scream and sob is not something that is naturally easy for me to deal with. My heart tells me to go in and swoop her up in my arms until she settles down, even falls asleep, and then put her back down for her rest.

But my brain and my desire to raise and obedient and disciplined girl urges me other wise. To let her work it out and stick to my guns so that she knows that the rules are rules. That they are to be followed, no exception.

Of course my heart battles back with the fear that I'm ignoring a real issue of pain or discomfort. "Maybe she's teething." Or "Maybe she's scared." And that is agonizing to have the battle in my head with  do I go back in and see if she's in pain or scared or do I stick to my guns? How do I know what the right answer is? Can't someone just tell me what I should do?


There has been a lot of pleading with God to confirm in my spirit what the right thing is. That's the main reason why I feel like I need to stick to my guns and not keep going back into her room. Because I believe that God is confirming to me that this is a discipline issue, and a defining one at that.

Just as I am requiring my daughter to be obedient to us, I too must be obedient to my Father. He knows best and has a reason for what He requires of us. Even when it's hard. And if I turn to Him when I need assurance and when I need confirmation, I know that He will give me a peace when I need to know I'm doing the right thing.

In the midst of the storm it's difficult. It's so difficult. I love the times that I get to laugh and play with my baby girl. And dread these times of painful growth. But it is growth nonetheless. And I pray that I will be faithful in those times. That I will look to God for strength and that He will sustain us even when we are weak and want to do what would feel good in the moment.

Any thoughts or prayers are certainly welcome in this trying time. :)

Dread.

Yep, it's true. I am actually dreading the weekend...

Stud Muffin is going out of town for a work trip. He leaves bright and early tomorrow morning and doesn't come home until Monday. Although I will miss my husband dearly, I am a big girl and can manage on my own, when I have to. Of course I prefer to be with my best friend whenever possible, we have fun together :D

But what I am dreading most is not having the tremendous help and much needed relief that my husband offers me. He is an amazing dad and loves to spend time with his daughter when he can! That is usually the weekends, so I know that it's going to be a long couple of days for him too. But with E figuring out what her sleep schedule is going to be and sticking to it, Stud Muffin and I have been splitting the night in to two shifts, so we can both get some quality sleep! Maybe we will experience a miracle and Cupcake will sleep all night every night... {a girl can dream...}

I'm planning to keep busy over the next couple of days, not with housework necessarily but with fun stuff! We will probably frequent Gymboree Play & Learn a couple more times than usual. I hope to spend some time with dear friends of ours and then we will be at church for service and for youth group on Sunday!

In other news, E has gone from sitting like a pro....

to getting up on all fours and wanting to crawl really bad....

She will be on the go in no time! And then I'll get on that exercise routine that I so desperately want to start but just haven't yet!

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created byMckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.
If any of you have been reading my blog for very long, then you know plenty about how my little cupcake has been having difficulty sleeping {especially since at 6 weeks she was sleeping 10-12 hours at night and now at 6 mo she will wake up every 3-4 hours}, naps included!
Lately, I've discovered that the more active we are and the more stimulated {but not over stimulated} I can get her, the better she crashes sleeps soundly at night! So we make it a point to get out of the house at least once a day to either run errands or something fun! I've even found that she will fall asleep while we are driving around and will have the best naps that way too!
So....
Since my baby girl has been having sleep problems I would definitely not be messing up her sleep schedule by staying out later than the time she usually goes down for the night. No way, not me! I would be sure to keep her on a strict schedule to ensure she is able to sleep the best she can.
So last Thursday night, when I was invited to a dinner over at friends house with some other ladies, I definitely declined and stayed home to put the baby to bed on time!
And then after this dinner with friends that we did not partake in, it wasn't over an hour after cupcake should have been in bed that we finally headed home. And on that drive home that we didn't go on, cupcake absolutely no way fell asleep in the car seat practically as soon as the car started. She most certainly did not sleep the whole way home, even more soundly than she does in her crib!
When we finally got home from the dinner that we never went to, when I brought cupcake into the house she definitely did not stay sound asleep! And I would never, being the new and overly cautious mother, leave cupcake in her car seat, in her room. There is no way that I would leave her in there sleeping so peacefully and I would never hope that she stayed asleep all through the night in her car seat. No, I am a decent mother who would at least get her child out of the car seat to put her pj's on and put her in her crib to sleep!
And finally, I would never, ever lay awake wondering if I was being a bad mother and there for not even get to enjoy the sound sleep that my baby was not having in her car seat!
Nope! Not me! :)

Nursery

Today was E's first day going to the nursery at church! They said she did great and she looked happy {but tired} when I picked her up.

Actually she mostly looked tired...

Apparently the other babies wore her out!

After church, we had a yummy lunch from noodles. Tomorrow we are going to get updated family photos and 6 month photos since E will be 6 months... TOMORROW!

Wow I can't even believe it!

Would I be...

Would I be lying if I said that staying home is easy?

It's harder than I ever thought it could possibly be.

Long hours.

No nights or weekends off.

Would I be a horrible mom if I said that there have been {recent} times that I've thought 'I don't want to have any more children' {because I don't want to experience this again}?

Sometimes this job is so hard,

I think 'I couldn't possibly want to do this again.'

Would I be wrong if I thought this job, being a mom, was really a way that God wants to continue to grow and to mold {prune really} my character?

I've never seen the ugliest side of my

selfish nature like I have these last 6 months.

Tonight was a rough one. For what ever reason sleep was fought. It was fought the strongest it's been fought so far. There were tears involved, by both of us. As much as I am against CIO methods, it got to a point where I'm not sure that it mattered if I was holding and bouncing her or if she was laying in her crib. The crying was intense.

As difficult as it is to admit, I lost my temper in the form of a growl of frustration. This in turn only sent the already on-the-verge-of-hystarical upset E into a startled uproar. Let me just say that it was not pretty. And I'm not proud of my lowest moments.

At this point I just had to stop. I turned on the dim light {the one we use in the night only if we need to see, it's actually a blue light bulb} and unwrapped E from her wrap that she sleeps in. She slowly started to settle down. However, no matter how I tried I could not get her to look at me. We sat in the glider and she leaned on me, completely relaxed, but wouldn't look at me for anything in the world.

After we rocked for a few minutes, in complete silence, my heart was softened and I couldn't hold back so instead I full on apologized for losing my temper. I kissed my sweet girl's head and caressed her foot {which she was using to distractingly play with the arm of the chair}. She looked up at me, only after I had apologized, and we finally made eye contact. She gave me a smile, her toothless grin that melted my heart like never before. Her little hand reached up and touched my mouth and she said something in her 'baby-talk.' And I knew that she had forgiven me. We had made up.

It was the sweetest exchange I had ever experienced.

We continued to rock and to quietly play together. And it was then and there that I decided to always, no matter what has taken place between us, to always apologize and ask for her forgiveness. To never ever let a wronging on my part go with out making it right. Making it right in her eyes, and in the Lord's eyes.

Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord,

The fruit of the womb is a reward.

Psalm 127:3

A ray of sunshine

It looks like there may be hope on the horizon!!

So... while we have been dealing with sleep issues on the surface, it seems the culprit of our stolen hours of slumber was buried a little deeper.

Our cupcake has pretty much always been such a laid-back mellow baby. But these last two weeks had us thinking that we were turning another corner of our little girls personality. She was constantly fussy and in need of someone to entertain her. Just not herself.

While we had a house full of company for Christmas, E gradually started eating less and less than she usually ate. At the time I just assumed that it was the distraction of everything going on, that she just wasn't used to it.

Then her sleeping started to become disturbed, with wakings from every 1.5 -1 hrs through out the night. She would wake with a cry, almost seeming to be in pain and we would only be able to sooth her with a bottle. At first she would drift back to sleep while finishing the bottle. But as of late, she would instead by wide awake and to get her back to dream land involved about 30-45 min of bouncing. I would be able to get her sleep in my arms, but even then as soon as I laid her down in her crib she would wake again.

With that issue, being that I was exhausted and anxious to get back to sleep myself, I would just bring her into bed with us and she would sleep... but only until the next fussy waking would make it's appearance. A vicious cycle to say the least.

What really began to be the brutal part for me is that on top of my obvious frustration and stress, I was becoming more and more sleep deprived. These to combined were causing me to feel resentment towards little cupcake and that is not acceptable. It's not her fault, and I know that she was obviously feeling the effects of it all as well, with her being more fussy and all.

I finally started unraveling the mystery when I realized that E was struggling to have a bowl movement and was only having one every other day... ah ha! It finally hit me {isn't it just dandy that looking back it seems the solution should have been more obvious much sooner?!}

We switched to soy formula about a month ago and ever since then her stools have become like a thick paste {sorry if this disgusts you, something about becoming a mom that seems to strengthen you stomach} and she wasn't passing even half the amount as before.

Hello! I don't know about you but I know if I am constipated, I don't really feel like eating... With her eating less it's no wonder she would wake up to eat through out the night.

After I got the idea that this could be the issue we drove down to Babies'R'Us to get the milk version of Earth's Best formula. We came home and she drank a bottle without issue and soon after had a bowl movement {which I think was already in the works, doubt the new stuff worked that fast!}. It wasn't too long after that...

And cupcake had a TWO hour nap! If only I had know that she would sleep that long {and not the 30 min or less naps that she's been fashioning} I would have partaken in a nap myself!

Not only did she nap great, but she is now in bed. Sound asleep. With out a peep! {YAY}

No sleep

We need a solution!!

Stud Muffin and I are desperate to find a way to help our cupcake sleep through the night, but honestly even more importantly than that, we would love for her to be able to go fall asleep with out us having to swaddle or bounce her. I believe that if she can fall asleep on her own in the first place, the issue of her waking up in the night will also be resolved. I say that because if she wakes up in the night and she is able to fall back asleep on her own then she won't fuss and wake us up in need of our assistance. {If she wakes up because she is hungry, that is a whole-nother story and I am happy to feed my baby.}

It seems that the hardest part lately is that starting at 6 weeks, cupcake was 'sleeping through the night' {10 pm - 7ish am} with out a peep! She did this for a month or two and then, probably due to a growth spurt, she would wake up maybe once or twice to eat. BUT she would go right back to sleep after nursing or drinking a bottle... These last couple of nights, she is wide awake after finishing a bottle. It takes at least 20-30 min to get her back to sleep, depending on how much she fights it.

My husband and I are both opposed to the idea of letting our baby cry it out {CIO}. I won't take the time to get into all the details of why {but I would be happy to explain it to anyone interested :D}. But I will say that falling asleep is something that is learned, just like being potty trained. Would you 'ignore' your toddler, when they are trying to learn how to go potty in a toilet, with the attitude 'they just need to figure it out or they will never learn!' {Doubt it!}

We did some looking and found this book 'The No-Cry Sleep Solution' and we are in the beginning stages:

Right now we are taking a log of her current sleep schedule {or lack there of!} broken down in to her nap times, pre-bedtime routine and her actual night time sleep.

After we get an idea of where we are at then we will read on in the book to start trying different techniques, eventually getting her to be able to fall asleep on her own. Every 10 days we will do the log again to see how we are progressing and adjust as necessary.

The woman who wrote the book has 4 children of her own and developed these techniques with her own children, as well as with a group of 60 moms desperate for a solution that didn't involve letting their child CIO.

I plan to post our progress and hope to be able to report positively :) Thanks for the support from all of you who love cupcake as much as we do!

Your prayers would be heartily accepted :D

"No NAP!"

For any of you that have seen "Honey, I blew up the kid" you have an idea of what I mean...

For those of you who haven't or don't remember, I'll explain.

Ok, so my situation isn't exactly like it was in the movie, but it's what I keep hearing in my head. Of course my 5 and a half mon. old can't talk yet, so she doesn't say "No nap!" with real words. But her actions are saying it loud and clear.

I am well aware that our current sleeping issues are most likely a result of choices we made early on but I am at a transition point and I don't know what to do.

From the second night that we had E at home, she has slept in a 'SwaddleMe' {every night in the hospital and our first night at home she slept in one of our arms. We were new parents what can I say!}. In fact, for her first couple weeks she spent a lot of time in the swaddle because it's soothing for a newborn, it feels similar to the womb. As she became more and more alert during the day we stopped using it as much. But we have always put her in it to sleep. For nap times and for sleeping at night. With it she is able to take longer naps and she sleeps for longer stretches at night. I think because it keeps her from rubbing her face and waking herself up. It's been great!

She eventually outgrew the size Small, so we bought the Large size. And it still fits her fine.

So the problem: now she rolls over on to her face, but when she is swaddled she doesn't have her arms. It just seems cruel. Plus I know that one day, gasp, she will out grow it {right mom?!} and then what. I know in my mind that she has to learn to fall asleep with it out at some point.

My fear is that we may have waited too long for this to be an easy transition. So now are we going to have to pay for those longer stretches of sleep? Most likely yes.

I'm also having to deal with the problem that I can get her to fall asleep in my arms {in the swaddle} and then when I go to put her down in her crib she wakes up and I have to start all over again. It's getting really frustrating.

But I'm not sure how to go about fixing it. I'm not strong enough to let my baby 'cry it out'. Call me a weak parent. But I can't do it. I can only take it for 30 seconds and I'm in there picking her up and calming her down. I've tried longer, I've even tried the "let her cry for 3min, then go in for 1 min, let her cry for another 5, then go in for 1min and then let her cry 10 min, etc" but that is just cruel to me. She just gets more worked up anyways, how is that fair to either of us. Now I have to calm down an even more worked up baby...

But I also know that I can't rock {actually it's bounce with our daughter, we have to bounce her while sitting on an exercise ball because she could care less about rocking} her forever. But I also know that I won't be able to rock/bounce her forever. She will grow up someday and be too big for it. And then I'll miss being able to. So do I just continue and wait for her to grow out of it on her own? If she ever does... {I know she won't be 13 and want to be bounced to sleep... but do I want to wait til then?!}

So if you see me out I will probably be the mom with dark circles under my eyes and a mega size coffee cup in my hand {heck, maybe I'll just carry around the whole pot of coffee!}.

For now, I'm off to bounce my baby to sleep.