Honestly...

Can I be honest?

I have been wrestling with God on a matter that I will surely lose. And I should lose. I want to lose.

If I didn't lose, but God were to lose {which He won't} then I would still lose, because that would mean God is failable. And God isn't failabe. He's never wrong and He can't mess up. He's God. Creator of the universe! He made all things, even you and me.

So why wrestle with a God who won't lose? I wish I knew.

I don't know why my spirit is willing but my flesh is weak.

I do know that I am a sinner. And I know that I have been saved by grace from eternal separation from God through Jesus Christ's death on the cross. I was born again and I am a new creation. But I'm not complete until the day I go to heaven.

I am a work in progress and Jesus continues to work in me every single day, to make me the new creation He created me to be. To be more like Him. Loving, forgiving, gracious, merciful, truthful, compassionate and believing.

Belief is a huge struggle for me. I'm so slow to turn my trust over to the only One who is trustworthy. And I only hinder myself in not believing.

Believing what?, you might be asking. That God is able.

I know in my head that He is able. I've seen with my eyes that He is able. I hear stories telling of His ability. The proof is all around me!

I have been a follower of Jesus for almost 7 years now and in the last couple years or so I've found myself wondering, 'God, why don't I see you do big things in my life? I want to be used by You to bring Glory to You. I desire to see Your glory specifically in my life! I see it others around me, I hear of Your great works in others lives. I know you are able. So what is missing, God?'

Do you believe I can do it?

I hear Him say it to me and it stops me dead in my tracks. And it makes my stomach sink. The feeling I get when I've been exposed or I realize I just did or said something embarrassing. It stings, hearing the truth sometimes.

But I'm grateful that God is patient with me. He has known this about me, my lack of trust and belief in His ability in my life but He hasn't given up on me. He's gentle but firm in showing me my lacking. He still believes in me even when I don't believe in Him.

I want to see this change in my life. I want to see God do great things. I want believe that He can, will and does do great works in the littlest of things to the biggest of things, even in my life!

My desire is to believe that God can do what He says He will do. That when I ask, according to His will, for Him to work that I also believe that He can and that He will do it. I wish to be as the centurion found in Matthew 8:5-13.

Now when Jesus had entered Capernaum, a centurion came to Him, pleading with Him, saying, "Lord, my servant is lying at home paralyzed, dreadfully tormented."

And Jesus said to him, "I will come and heal him."

The centurion answered and said, "Lord, I am not worthy that You should come under my roof. But only speak a word, and my servant will be healed.

For I also am a man under authority, having soldiers under me. And I say to this one, 'Go,' and he goes; and to another, 'Come,' and he comes; and to my servant, 'Do this,' and he does it."

When Jesus heard it, He marveled, and said to those who followed, "Assuredly, I say to you, I have not found such great faith, not even in Israel!"

"And I say to you that many will come from east and west, and sit down with Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob in the kingdom of heaven. But the sons of the kingdom will be cast out into outer darkness. There will be weeping and gnashing of teeth."

Then Jesus said to the centurion, "Go your way; and as you have believed, so let it be done for you." And his servant was healed that same hour.

I know in my head that He can do great things. I've seen and I've read of many, many accounts where He has done the impossible. But now it's time for me to believe it in my heart that He can and will do great things and that He will do them in my life too!

I would have lost heart, unless I had believed That I would see the goodness of the LORD In the land of the living. Wait on the LORD; Be of good courage, And He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the LORD!

Psalm 27:13-14